Unconscious Relationships-Where did our love go?
Dear friends, new friends, and fellow seekers,
Our journey involves an exploration of the transformation from an unconscious relationship to a more conscious relationship and ultimately, access to an Expansive relationship. The definition and exploration of these concepts will be at the heart of our journey.
With this blog, we begin to explore how we got “here”. This “here” is different for each couple, each of you have had your own path. The goal is for each of you to explore and understand your path.
What happened to that feeling we had when we fell in love?
What happened to the exciting feelings and emotions we experienced when we first fell in love? How does the intense love, connection, and desire we felt in the initial stages of our relationship evolve into a less vibrant connection and a diminished sense of being “in love” after spending years together? Is this shift unavoidable? Let’s initiate our exploration by examining the typical phases that many relationships undergo.
Honeymoon Phase: The Dance of Infatuation, 3 to 24 months
Envision the initial experiences with that special someone—the energy, the captivating conversations that swept you off your feet, and the anticipation of seeing the other again. Ah, the Honeymoon Phase, an enchanting period lasting from 3 to 24 months. Love flows effortlessly, senses are heightened, and both partners experience a natural high. Similarities are magnified, and the other person may become an idealized version of perfection.
It’s a delightful place to dwell, and we all harbor the wish for a “happily ever after” inspired by our favorite movies. However, while fantasy is enchanting, reality inevitably joins the celebration.
What happens next? The Doubt Phase.
“Doubt is an uncomfortable condition, but certainty is a ridiculous one”
- Voltaire
Doubt Phase: Navigating the Differences
This phase often occurs after the Honeymoon Phase but can re-emerge at any period in a long-term relationship. John Welwood writes “All of love’s power and creativity arises out of the play of differences. Yet when these differences harden into oppositions, they arouse fear and antagonism, which can tear apart the fabric of a relationship. The most fundamental difference in a relationship is between “self” and “other”. Whenever this difference becomes solidified into “for” and “against” positions-self is right and other is wrong-the dance of the relationship grinds to a halt and turns into a tug of war. When the mind hardens into an oppositional stance, we lose flexibility and fluidity-which are our greatest resources in handling conflict.”
The Doubt phase begins when differences and doubts come to the forefront.
The 4 Ds.
Differences that can lead to
Doubt that can lead to
Dissonance (conflict), that can lead to
Disconnection
This can result in:
- Divorce or Separation
Overlooking disparities and suppressing doubts enables the relationship to endure. One or both individuals might adopt a conflict-avoidant or pacifying approach. Unaddressed and unexamined differences can influence the depth of the relationship and may surface later in the course of the partnership. Over time, patterns of conflict may gradually develop, or avoidance persists, causing the couple to “grow apart.”
Embracing differences and doubt involves engaging in conversations and sharing perspectives and feelings, fostering a more enriched relationship that is both stronger and deeper. Possessing these skills and tools empowers the couple to deploy them as needed throughout the course of a long-term relationship.
Extended Phase: Automatic Pilot
Time changes everything
If a relationship surpasses these phases, it enters the long-term phase where the passage of time holds transformative power. Buddhism and science teach us that everything undergoes perpetual change. The second law of thermodynamics, for example, states that all physical (mental) states have entropy, in other words, everything deteriorates over time. Buddhist suggested that the awareness of impermanence, or change (such as aging) is essential in our path to avoid suffering.
Humans, however, often resist this notion, preferring to perceive things as predictable and permanent. We see this depicted in the accusatory scorn of one partner saying to another “You’ve changed” as if it’s a bad thing.
Responsibilities of Everyday Life
The slow erosion of novelty occurs as routines and responsibilities shift focus toward children, work, and daily life. Gradually, the relationship slips into a metaphorical slumber, marked by predictable routines and a desire for stability. This “automatic pilot” mode leads to an “unconscious” relationship, where established habits become the norm. While the relationship might still involve friendship, common interests, and shared challenges, its vitality, curiosity, and depth wane over time.
This process is so gradual, it is often not recognized.
This certainly happened in my relationship with my wife Kathy. I was new in my career, working a demanding job at an inner city clinic, teaching at a local university in the evening, and building my private practice. I have always been a “doer” and I settled into automatic pilot. At the same time, Kathy was the primary caretaker for our two children, involved at their schools and sports, and also doing her private practice. Both of us led busy lives, often feeling exhausted by the end of the day. This inevitably led to a gradual drifting apart. Fortunately, our strong foundation as best friends and effective co-parents served as the crucial links that kept us connected during this time, bridging the gap until we could rediscover each other. Kathy, who is usually a step ahead of me (if not more) was the catalyst in nudging me and us back onto a path of connection.
Couples unable to reconnect often remain committed and resign themselves to living with the status quo, relinquishing hope for a more meaningful connection. This is evident when observing couples at a restaurant who, once they exhaust discussions about the waiter and food, engage in mundane conversations or sit in silence. Worse, an unconscious relationship can lead to affairs or protracted, seemingly unresolveable conflict leading potentially to the end of the relationship. We become engaged in unskillful communication, anger, blaming and emotional shutdown. We can’t ‘hear’ the other and don’t feel heard.
Automatic Pilot: Default Mode Network
A quick note on Automatic Pilot. Upon first glance, Automatic Pilot might appear negative, but in reality, it has its advantages and drawbacks. Neuroscientists have identified a series of structures collectively known as the Default Mode Network (DMN) which is largely a “resting state” brain network that is “in charge” when we are in a relaxed state and not focusing on anything that demands our attention. This tends to be a self-centered wandering of the mind, of which we have little awareness. Often it is associated with the “ego”. (We will address the ego in a future blog.) An instance of Default Network Mode occurs when we’re driving, lost in thought, and only later do we realize that we don’t recall the details of our journey.
When I’m working with couples, I like to use the analogy of a computer. When you are working on the computer, the screen is lit up. After you stop, and the screen goes into “sleep mode”, the hard drive is still at work processing, playing music, updating, etc. When the screen comes on, there is also a brightness function ranging from dim to bright.
As I mentioned in my last blog, (link) awareness/consciousness is more like a dimmer switch than an off/on switch.
So while we might naturally spend a lot of our time in Automatic Pilot/Default Mode Network in the course of our day, growth and connection require us to move into a more conscious relationship. However it is fluid as we inevitably move back and forth.
Automatic pilot <—> conscious relationships <—> Expansive Relationship
From Automatic Pilot to a Conscious Relationship
But fear not, an unconscious relationship can find its way back to life. It begins with awareness and a conscious understanding of the patterns at play. Consciousness, a superpower in this context, gives us the ability to break away from these predictable yet often unrewarding patterns. It grants us the freedom to make choices based on authentic desires, steering clear of reactive responses fueled by fear or past wounds. Being conscious allows us to face fears and vulnerabilities head-on, breathing new life into the connection with our partner.
The conscious relationship offers a pathway to regain or deepen the connection with one’s partner by introducing awareness, mindfulness and intentionality into the relationship dynamic.
In the next blog, I will describe the primary tool to use to develop a more conscious relationship.
Questions for Reflection and Conversation
- Do you/we find that the responsibilities/routines of daily life get in the way of a deeper, more conscious relationship?
- Do you notice variations of your own awareness?
- What brings you/us out of “automatic pilot” and into awareness?
- How is our relationship and intimacy affected by routines and automatic pilot?
- How do we handle differences in our relationship?
Please pass on to anyone you think might benefit from this blog.
Thank you
For information about my practice, go to www.darrellchristian.com