The Space Between

In knowing myself, the world unfolds,
A lens reshaped from tales long told.
Through childhood whispers, family ties,
Cultural shades, and traumas’ cries.

These threads, unseen, weave how I stand,
In love’s embrace or conflict’s hand.
Coping patterns, habits deep,
Unconscious rhythms I often keep.

The partners I choose, the fights I ignite,
Reflect these echoes, hidden from sight.
To love with depth, to truly be free,
I must uncover what shapes me.

Between two hearts, a space is born,
A potential place where love is sworn.
Shaped by the truths each soul can bring,
An open field where spirits sing.

If fear or doubt, or self-blame resides,
The space contracts, connection hides.
But when we see, when we embrace,
The shadows soften, and love finds space.

So, let me turn, reflect, explore,
Unlock the patterns at my core.
For knowing myself brings light anew,
And love that’s conscious, deep, and true. Anonymous

“Know Thyself”: Conscious Relationships and Self-Awareness

The Lens of Self: How Identity Shapes Our Relationships

The way we see ourselves is like a pair of glasses we wear every day—it colors how we experience life and profoundly influences our relationships. Our self-identity is more than just who we think we are; it’s the foundation of how we relate to ourselves, our partners, and the world around us. Every interaction is filtered through the unique lens of our personal history: the echoes of childhood, the dynamics of our family, the weight of our cultural background, and the scars—or lessons—of trauma, oppression, and abuse.

Life, as it always does, throws us challenges. Big or small, these hurdles shape how we cope. Over time, the coping mechanisms we develop solidify into habits—familiar patterns that guide how we respond to others, especially in close relationships. While these patterns may have once been essential for survival or comfort, they can also hold us back, keeping us stuck in unconscious cycles.

In relationships, these ingrained habits influence everything—who we’re drawn to, how deeply we connect, and how we handle conflict. Without taking a closer look, we may find ourselves stuck in a loop, repeating the same patterns and wondering why things don’t change. A conscious relationship requires more than love; it requires self-awareness. It calls us access the Wise Observer (see blog #5) to pause, reflect, and ask: How do my past experiences shape my present relationships?

To better understand how our experiences influence our relationships, I use a Venn diagram as a model, along with the concept of “The Potential Space,” originally introduced by the psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott.

This space, the emotional and relational “room” between two people, is shaped by what each partner brings to the table—their strengths, struggles, and stories. Understanding and nurturing this shared space is key to creating relationships that are not just functional, but deeply fulfilling.

The Couple’s Potential Space: An Introduction

The “Potential Space” refers to the emotional and relational space that exists between partners.The unique contributions of each partner shapes the relationship. For instance, if one partner struggles with self-criticism or anxiety, those traits will naturally impact the relationship dynamic.

Below it is further elaborated:

Conscious Relationship and Self-Awareness in my life.

In my marriage with Kathy, there was a time when my focus was on “supporting the family.” I was managing a clinic, running my practice, and teaching, while Kathy dedicated herself to raising our children and her career. On the surface, we seemed like a great team. But beneath that, something vital was missing.

Growing up in a rural area, life centered around long days of hard work and survival. There was a strong focus on functionality, and we were taught to be “doers.” As a result, emotional connections often took a backseat. Without realizing it, I carried this mindset into my marriage. Unconscious patterns I never questioned blocked our connection. Looking back, I see how little I was investing in the potential space.

It wasn’t until I became more self-aware that things began to change. I recognized how my habits impacted our bond. I saw how vital it was to not only “do” for our family but to be present with Kathy. This shift taught me the profound difference between simply being in a relationship and practicing a Conscious Relationship.

It wasn’t until I became more self-aware—more conscious of my own patterns and how they impacted our bond—that things began to change. I saw how vital it was to not only “do” for our family but to be present with Kathy. This shift taught me the profound difference between simply being in a relationship and truly practicing a Conscious Relationship. Yes, a work still in progress.

The Spiritual Space

For Winnicott, the potential space was a place which could expand into infinity, a state that could include formlessness and “just being”. Ideally for a couple, this can be a space that transcends the physical and emotional and incorporates spirituality and/or God. It is the sacred energy that arises when two individuals bring authenticity, vulnerability, and presence into their interactions. In this space, there is room for silence, deep listening, and compassion, allowing both people to feel seen and valued at their core. This spiritual dimension fosters a sense of unity and interdependence, reminding us that relationships are not merely about fulfilling needs but about co-creating a bond that elevates and enriches the human experience.

Observing and Transforming Habits

Tara Brach, a Buddhist teacher, often highlights how we avoid facing unpleasant habits instead of observing and changing them. It takes courage to step back and examine how we contribute to or deplete space in our relationships.

For more on this, here’s a link to one of her talks showing how self-awareness fosters meaningful relationships.

https://www.tarabrach.com/freedom-beyond-self/

We will continue to explore the use of the potential space in upcoming blogs.

Reflection Questions:

• Do you find it more challenging to focus on your own flaws than on your partner’s?  If so, what blocks your ability to honestly reflect on your role in the relationship?
• What do you regularly contribute to the potential space in your relationship? And what does your partner contribute? 
• What is the result of this combination, and how do they shape the relationships that are important to us.

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