By Dr. C.
From Unconscious to Conscious to Expansive Relationships
In twilight’s quiet, two souls find grace,
Bound by love’s eternal embrace.
In each other’s eyes, they see and know,
The depths of feeling, love’s sweet flow.
Hand in hand, they wander on,
Awareness blooming, fears withdrawn.
In their shared gaze, truth is found,
In love’s embrace, forever bound.
Through laughter, tears, they navigate,
Knowing each other’s every state.
In awareness deep, they find the key,
To unlock love’s eternity.
-Anonymous
Hello friends, new friends, and fellow seekers,
The poem above beautifully encapsulates one of the primary goals of couplehood: to share awareness and find truth through the Couples Wise Observer. Before diving into this concept, let’s briefly review the insights from the last two blogs.
The Individual Wise Observer
As discussed in our previous blog, the Wise Observer is an essential tool for personal growth. This inner witness attentively observes our thoughts, emotions, opinions, beliefs, and behaviors, focusing on perceiving reality without creating it. It fosters an awareness free from judgment, helping us discern our emotional states and identify behavioral patterns. This tool is crucial for developing a conscious-expansive relationship.
In contrast, the ego interprets the world personally, often with a biased, critical perspective. Many of us have a harsh inner critic, but it’s important not to confuse this critic with the Wise Observer, which embodies compassion and neutrality.
The Couples Wise Observer
“Awareness blooming, fears withdrawn.
In their shared gaze, truth is found” (from the poem above)
In relationships, the Couples Wise Observer emerges when one or both partners become aware of their internal reactions or notice specific behaviors, emotions, or responses in each other. This awareness allows them to step outside of conflicts and view them with perspective. When one partner achieves this objective awareness, they can invite the other into this “potential space” of understanding.
Strong emotions can cloud judgment, leading to ego-driven responses that are often blaming and that prioritize being right over maintaining the relationship. In the blame phase of a relationship, we believe that we see the other’s behaviors with clarity; what the “other” is doing to us. As emotion goes up, distortion and negativity bias tend to increase. In contrast, we often believe ourselves to be blameless, or at least “well-intentioned” (positivity bias).
The Couples Wise Observer can intervene before emotions become destructive, helping partners maintain clarity and connection.
We typically access the Wise Observer more easily when calm, reflecting on a conflict or interaction. The goal, however, is to use this tool in the heat of the moment. More on handling high emotions and conflict will be covered in future blogs.
Observing the Interaction
Think of it as watching a play from the front row. You objectively observe the actors on stage—you and your partner—each step of the drama unfolding.
– Person 1: Who starts the interaction? Is it soft or harsh? Is there a critical tone?
– Person 2: What is the reaction? Thoughtful or reactive? Soft or defensive? Is there an interpretation of a tone?
– Person 1: How do they respond to Person 2? And so on.
The “Wait a Minute” Moment
Have you ever been engrossed in something and suddenly realized, “Wait a minute,” seeing it from a new perspective? This is the moment of awareness of the Couples Wise Observer. In couples therapy, It is truly a pivotal moment in the progression in couples therapy when one person can extract themselves from the conflict to announce “we are doing it again”.This invites the other partner into a shared mindfulness moment, moving from “me vs. you” to “me and you.” Personalization and blaming stop, emotions settle, and partners can think and act more freely and lovingly.
Example:
-Person 1: “I realize that what I said came out harsh, which made you defensive. Did you experience my comment as critical?”
– Person 2: “Yes, I suppose I did feel criticized.”
– Person 1: “Let me try to say it another way…”
In yoga, people often end sessions with “Namaste,” meaning “the light in me honors the light in you.” This sentiment applies to relationships as well. When we use our Wise Observer and pause our ego, we can see ourselves and our partner without judgment. This opens the possibility of seeing the light within ourselves and our beloved. In the honeymoon phase, this seems effortless, but over time, the light can dim. In intimate relationships, we strive to see the sacred within each other and let our true selves commune.
Spiritual Realm
For many people in relationships, there is a belief in being joined together spiritually, maybe married in a church, maybe on a mountain top; a union of the relationship with God or a higher power or feeling spiritually bonded. The Couples Wise Observer is the conduit to that connection, a transcendence from the human realm to the divine realm. In the same manner as describe above, one person in the couple who might in any one moment, feel spiritually connected to God, a higher power or spirit, calls their partner to join them. The “Observer” is, of course, a connection to the Beloved, giving awareness a spiritual influence and being open to being guided by your higher power.
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In our journey from unconscious to conscious to expansive relationships, the Couples Wise Observer is a transformative tool. It helps us navigate conflicts with clarity, deepens our connection, and fosters a sacred bond.
Questions:
- Image a conflict you recently had with your partner. Who started? Was it harsh or critical or soft and non-blaming. How did person 2 respond. Talk with your partner about this. If you do, you are practicing the couples wise observer!!!
- Talk with your partner about how you can include the Couples Wise Observer in your relationship.
Thank you for joining me in this quest for awareness and growth. For questions, comments, thoughts, reflections or feedback about the blog, you can connect with Dr C here:
https://darrellchristian.com/contact-information/
*******SF-Bay Area 2024 Couples Weekend Creekside Retreat.
October 4th, 5th, and 6th
For information about upcoming couples retreats: https://darrellchristian.com/couples-retreat/