Relationships: The Wise Observer Role
Greetings dear friends, newfound companions, and fellow seekers. I appreciate your presence as we continue our journey to uncover the best within ourselves and explore and bring out the best in our partners.
Allow me to share a personal anecdote: During a recent trip to Playa Viva in Mexico with my wife, Kathy, a moment of panic struck as we arrived when I realized I had lost my wallet. Fortunately, Alfredo, who had just finished his workday, graciously assisted me and went to great lengths in helping me locate it, with all the contents still in it. What a relief and further validation that most people are generally good.
With the wallet mishap resolved, we embraced the tranquil surroundings and immersed ourselves in the simple joys of being surrounded by nature. Our days were filled with quiet moments of reflection and the crashing sounds of the sea, offering a welcome respite from the hustle and bustle of daily life.
While there are no plans set in stone, the idea of organizing future couples’ retreats in such a serene setting certainly holds appeal—a chance to create more meaningful moments and forge deeper connections with others in the future.
Now, let us return to the Wise Observer
“The Spectator’s Solace”
Amidst the grand theater of the mind,
An undefined, wise observer you’ll find.
In tranquil repose, a silent guest,
Amidst chaos, they discover rest.
No judgment clouds their steady view,
No bias taints what they construe.
In serenity, clarity takes flight,
The observer bathed in wisdom’s light.
-Anonymous
The Wise Observer: a tool for cultivating awareness on the journey from an Unconscious Relationship to a Conscious Relationship and, ultimately, an Expansive Relationship.
In my recent blog post, I delved into the essence of conscious relationships and introduced a pivotal element: the Wise Observer. This remarkable tool holds the key to illuminating the concealed layers of the unconscious and subconscious, thereby ushering them into the luminous realm of conscious awareness. Imagine it as a shift from autopilot mode to intentional engagement on the journey of life and love.
Have you ever considered the depth of your own awareness?
At its core, human existence and couples expansion hinges upon awareness.
Despite our assumptions of our own self-awareness, research by Tasha Eurich (link) suggests a stark reality: while about 95% of individuals believe they possess self-awareness, only a mere 10-15% truly do. Eurich’s findings reveal that introspection, reflection, and self-analysis often fail to enhance our awareness; instead, we frequently circle back to the same thoughts, ruminations, and beliefs without genuine progress. And when we do have a new awareness, or a “light bulb” going off, it often fades quickly only to return to the same set of thoughts which we tend to cling stubbornly, hindering our personal growth.
When couples come into my office, frequently they believe that if only their partner would change, life would be better and they are reluctant to look at ways they may need to change. They are “stuck”.
Contrasting the Wise Observer with the Ego:
The Wise Observer keenly observes thoughts, emotions, opinions, beliefs, and behaviors, with the objective of perceiving rather than shaping reality. It embodies a non-judgmental awareness that discerns emotional states and behavioral patterns, fostering profound self-awareness both individually and within relationships.
In contrast, the Ego also assumes the role of an “observer”; however, it does so from a subjective, often biased perspective. Shaped by our life experiences, the Ego interprets the world through the lens of our beliefs from our unique experiences growing up, sometimes accurate, but often distorting reality. The Ego clings to these beliefs as absolute truths, creating blind spots that hinder genuine self-awareness. Unlike the Wise Observer, the Ego tends to justify and analyze emotions rather than simply acknowledging them.
Reflecting on the Wise Observer in Others:
When considering individuals who embody the Wise Observer, I am reminded of my father. My dad was a man of few words but he seemed to be a witness, an observer, of what was going on in the room, with little need to inject himself into the conversation. His gentle presence and non-judgmental demeanor in my life continues to inspire me.
The Spiritual Dimension:
For those with spiritual inclinations, the Wise Observer (also compassionate) serves as a conduit to a higher power, whether it be God, Spirit, or a transcendent understanding. In spiritual traditions such as Buddhism, it aligns with the concept of “Wise” or “Right” View, offering insight from a “divine eye” that reveals things otherwise hidden.
Practical Exercises for Cultivating the Wise Observer:
One effective exercise involves adopting the perspective of a neutral observer as if you are in a theater or a movie, watching the interactions of oneself and others unfold on stage. You are both the observer and an actor with your supporting cast (partner).
Find a comfortable place to sit and close your eyes. Imagine a recent interaction with your partner, one that is “alive” for you. Or maybe a “typical” or repeating pattern. With your eyes closed, picture in your mind, a movie unfolding without judgment. Who starts the conversation, what words are spoken with what tone, with what emotion and what intensity? Then notice how the other reacts, what speech is used, what emotions are expressed. Then back to your reaction to the reaction, and so on. Picture the scene in as much detail as you can. Then when you open your eyes, write down what you saw. Notice if it is an objective account, free of judgment and emotion of the Observer or is it from the Ego.
Conclusion
Awareness stands as our primary instrument for personal and relational growth. Within the intricate tapestry of conscious relationships, the Wise Observer serves as a guiding thread, weaving together awareness, understanding, and transformation. Embracing its principles can lead to profound shifts in both personal and relational dynamics, fostering deeper connections and richer experiences in life and love.
Questions
- Can you think of anyone in your life who embodies this characteristic of the Wise Observer?
- Have you noticed this Wise Observer within you?
- To what degree do I believe my thoughts are an accurate representation of “reality”?
- How self-aware do you think you are? What are your major blind spots?
Next blog: The Couples Wise Observer
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