From Unconscious to Conscious to Expansive Relationships
Greetings, fellow explorers and seekers!
I extend my heartfelt gratitude to you for joining me on this journey toward Conscious Relationships. Your presence is truly valued, and I appreciate the time you invest in exploring with me. Let me take a moment to share a personal story from my journey.
In our monthly gathering of our faith and spirituality group recently, we engaged in an exercise that prompted us to trace the evolution of our beliefs about God, a higher being, or our spiritual path from childhood, to adolescence into adulthood and up to the present.
As I reflected on my childhood, I recognized that my belief system was largely shaped by what I was told to believe, devoid of any independent thought on my part. However, a pivotal shift occurred during my senior year in high school. At that time, my friends and I, all adherents to the Catholic faith, decided to embark on a weekend religious retreat in the beautiful Black Hills of South Dakota. Our intentions were not centered around seeking a religious experience. Instead, we were more focused on engaging in typical adolescent escapades—skipping gatherings and sneaking out at night.
It was on the last night of this retreat, just before we were set to return home, that something unexpected unfolded. For some unknown reason, I chose to attend a vigil mass. As the mass progressed and the candlelight danced, I found myself unexpectedly immersed in what I can only describe today as my inaugural spiritual experience. Describing such encounters in words often proves challenging, but the word that resonates is “expansive.” It was as if I entered an altered state of reality, a more conscious and mystical realm.
In retrospect, that pivotal encounter during the seemingly ordinary vigil mass served as the catalyst for the nascent stage of my spiritual journey—the birth of my spiritual self. This unexpected experience laid the groundwork for an ongoing pursuit of transformation in my understanding of faith and spirituality.
As we transition from this personal narrative, our journey now shifts towards exploring the transformative progression from an Unconscious Relationship to a Conscious Relationship, ultimately reaching the summit—an Expansive Relationship.
But what exactly defines a Conscious Relationship?
In our previous exploration of “The Expansive Relationship” (link), we glimpsed into the extraordinary connection we aspire to discover and rediscover. Now, drawing nearer, let’s focus on “The Conscious Relationship.”
Human nature tends to gravitate towards predictability, finding solace in the familiar. We carve out our preferred spaces, whether it’s a seat in a classroom, a go-to store, or a regular spot in a place of worship. However, when our relationships become unconscious, it’s akin to being on a fixed railroad track, following a predetermined path with little room for variation. Even with a hint of awareness, breaking free from these patterns can be arduous.
Consciousness, in this context, begins with awareness and extends into the ability to break away from predictable yet unrewarding patterns. It empowers us to exercise free will, making choices based on authentic desires rather than reacting from fear or past wounds. Being conscious allows us to confront our fears and vulnerabilities, cultivating a deeper connection with our partner.
A Conscious Relationship is a form of partnership characterized by heightened awareness, intentionality, and mindfulness across all facets. It transcends surface-level interactions, delving into self-discovery, personal growth, and mutual understanding.
Principles and Practices of Conscious Relationships
- Self-Discovery and Mutual Growth: A commitment to exploring emotions, behaviors, and past experiences lays the foundation for personal and relational growth. In a conscious relationship, partners actively support each other’s journey, fostering vitality for the couple.
- Open Heart and Honest Communication: Transparency forms the bedrock. Partners communicate openly about feelings, needs, and desires, leading with love and allowing vulnerability. Shared vulnerability not only enhances intimacy but also facilitates potential healing.
- Mindfulness: Being present in the relationship is central. Prioritizing the here and now promotes deeper connections and emotional intimacy. The goal is to give your full attention and to be fully present when the other person speaks.
- Wise View: In the quest for self-discovery, couples see themselves and others more clearly enabling them to perceive themselves and others more objectively, with more awareness of biases. It helps distinguish between individual needs and ego-driven desires. In this perspective, couples embrace and respect diverse views, understanding that differences can contribute to personal growth and broadening horizons. A wise view encourages individuals to be open to the possibility that their perception of their partner’s ‘story’ may be distorted and discourages the tendency to confine them to preconceived narratives, such as saying, “You always…”
- Wise Intention: Conscious couples act from a place of love, making deliberate choices to avoid destructive patterns. Maintaining good intentions leads to skillful communication.
- Wise Communication: Both speakers and listeners play vital roles. Wise speech avoids hurtful words, harshness, and blame while wise listeners absorb the message, understand the emotions, and give grace, without allowing the mind to race toward counterpoints, and justifications.
- Autonomy and Interdependence: Balancing individual autonomy with mutual interdependence is crucial. Partners maintain personal identities while contributing to the relationship’s growth. This includes balancing “me time” vs “we time”.
- Growth in Conflict: Conflicts are viewed as opportunities for understanding and growth. Conscious couples use Open Heart and the skills of Wise View, Wise Intention, and Wise Communication when they approach disagreements. They recognize that below conflict and anger are unspoken, unmet needs as well as pain. Compassion for the pain can create healing. Conscious couples offer and receive attempts to repair the mistakes.
Variability in Consciousness and Levels of Awareness
It is crucial to acknowledge that consciousness is not an all-or-nothing phenomenon; rather, it exhibits fluctuations. Moreover, there exist higher and lower levels of consciousness.
A good metaphor would be the light switch. Consciousness is more like a dimmer switch, rather than a binary on/off switch, offering a spectrum of brightness.
Consider consciousness as a dynamic process, much like a dimmer switch, allowing for nuanced variations in awareness. To illustrate this concept, let’s delve into a recent session with a couple, Jim and Olivia, both in their mid-40s. We had previously focused our session on the predictable patterns, commonly called their “couples dance”. The dances is often an unconscious attempt to fulfill unmet needs.
Our work together had focused on bringing these unconscious patterns into awareness by mapping out the conflicts from the onset to the, mostly unsuccessful end. During one session, Olivia recounted a recurring conflict where she criticized Jim for working excessively and not contributing to parenting responsibilities. In a pivotal moment, she halted and reflected, stating, “I suddenly stopped, paused, and said to myself, ‘I’m doing it again.’” This marked a moment of heightened awareness and consciousness. Olivia was not yet able to be aware of what she actually needed but she did recognize that criticism was not the path to get there.
This newfound awareness opened the door to a different trajectory. Such moments of heightened awareness are what conscious relationships aspire to achieve. They serve as opportunities for expansion within the relationship, steering away from the repetition of unconscious, unmet needs. Embracing these moments of consciousness fosters growth and transformation within the dynamics of a relationship.
Future blogs, each principle and the variations of consciousness will be explored further.
Conclusion
In essence, a conscious relationship is a dynamic and evolving partnership marked by self-awareness, open communication, personal growth, and mindfulness. It’s a journey beyond the initial thrill of romance, aiming for a sustainable and fulfilling love that withstands the test of time. Join me as we unravel the layers of conscious connection.
Questions for contemplation and discussion
- What relationship patterns can you identify that feel limiting, such as time together being mostly watching screens or predictable or routine sexual habits that have lost their energy?
- Among the 8 principles mentioned, at which ones do we excel?
- On the flip side, which principles pose challenges for us?
- What can we do to turn our dimmer switch up to be brighter to be more aware?